Love icecream

Go Away! But come back after.

2012-01-17T01:08:00.000+08:00

Iam kind of emotionally detached right now. I have been for a long time. Kind of forgot how to feel. And when people tell me something I just don't know how to respond, how to make things right, how to comfort them. Iam such a lousy person. I mean I do want to help these people, but somehow I can't find the right words to say. I can't say "it's gonna be okay" because it obviously wont and this would only lead to the person not doing anything to change things. So what do I say? I would very much like to say "I'll always be there if you need anything" but I don't think I can promise to give anything. And in the end we are both left staring awkwardly at each other (figure of speech) and not knowing what to say. And when I don't say anything helpful I come across like I don't really care about the person in distress which is absolutely untrue and it's like so weird and bad and we're at a loss the atmosphere becomes really bad.

I hope I could do something. If giving you a hug would help, I would hug you but it doesn't really change things and Iam really not a suitable person to be giving hugs because Iam so skinny you'll only feel my bones.

Butterflies and cherry blossoms.

2012-01-15T03:10:00.000+08:00

Yeah I should probably sleep soon. I mean, it's such a good atmosphere to sleep in now. Rain and aircon harhar. And Iam listening to emo songs again. :/ Heh, I never change.

Today was... below average I guess? But at least I had time to rest. Finally a break from this busy busy week! My legs are aching and whenever I come home I just fall asleep immediately.

Sigh in the end I didn't get to see Foster The People. Oh well.. I'll just listen to my CD then..

I don't think I shall seek anymore. If I do not seek, maybe then it'll come.

I miss people.

Soulsucked.

2012-01-10T17:25:00.001+08:00

Remember how my New Year resolution was to be less hostile and more friendly and shit? Iam gonna give up on that. Because most of the time, I face unfriendly people who see that I look stuck up and all and decide not to be too close to me. I really tried okay. Iam not really gonna totally give up though, but Iam kind of half hearted about it already. Iam not looking for new friends anyway. I just hope things between me and the other party could be better, not awkward silences.

Seriously, I think I have that kind of face that people dislike. And it's not even my character! What happened to "looks can be deceiving"? I demand a second chance to re-evaluating my personality, not a stereotype. Or a one-off evaluation. IAM REALLY A NICE PERSON! :'(

On another note, up till now, I haven't discovered any special talents that I myself have which can be showcased. This is bad. Honestly, I don't want to bebam ordinary person. I wanna be an extraordinary person with cool talents! I feel like a loser and a nobody right now, and really kind of pathetic and useless. Yeahyeah, some of you would say that I shouldn't bring myself down like that and Iam actually a great person. BLAHBLAHBLAH. Then can you argue my opinion?!

Memories Past.

2012-01-04T16:41:00.001+08:00

It's such a wonder how I can think of different titles for my posts. Indeed, the English language has a vast and wide range of words.

So I finally remembered what I was supposed to post about but forgot yesterday. It was about loving and enjoying what you do. I believe that it is important that we like what we do and we shouldn't be forcing ourselves to do what we do not like. So I try to like what I do and enjoy every moment of it. And this in turn would perhaps reflect in my actions and attitude. Like what you do, you get better results. I mean, if you dislike what you do and then you don't do stuff well, wouldn't it be stupid and a waste and useless to start the thing in the first place? Even in schoolwork I try to like what I do. My classic example would be my Social Studies in Sec 3 and 4. I was failing all the way because I didn't like the subject and the teacher was abit weird (Read: looks pervy) but the next year the teacher change and my dislike disappeared because the teacher was so much better in teaching and I tried to like the subject which I did in the end.. well maybe not really like but at least I didn't hate it. So I studied for it really hard and wrote like a maniac in O Levels and eventually got an A2 for Combined Humanities!! From an F9 to an A2 is really quite an amazing feat okay..

And this time for JC it's Math.Weeelll.. I liked it abit too late. And I still didn't really like it that much.. so I don't know how it'll turn out. But I did try harder than usual.. which is a good thing... right??

And I don't really like it when people complain about their jobs. I mean, if you don't like it, might as well quit and find another job that you like!! There must be someone else who would like your job very much and enjoy it in the process, so don't deprive them of the chance to do what they like it. And if you do not want to change your job, you should learn to like your job and do it well!! No point complaining and be all grumpy and upset. It's really rather annoying.

Wouldn't it be a better place if everybody liked what they did? Or am I being too idealistic and naive thinking that the world would be so much fun?

Pondering ponderous thoughts.

2012-01-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

I thought of something to blog about while in the shower harhar. But I forgot what it was already. Damn.

Right now I feel so dejected. It's like Iam talking to someone who doesn't even want to talk to me. It's hard to carry a decent conversation with these kind of people you know? I'd rather you say you don't feel like talking to me right now. At least I'll know when Iam being pushy or anything. I don't want to FORCE people to talk to me. I just want people to listen on their own accord. Not just one ear in and out the other. This is absolutely fake and I hate it. I know it's not like I have alot to tell and it's not like my life is fantastic or interesting or anything. But wouldn't it better if someone could be involved in what you did and really liked it? Even though it's just listening? Is it that freaking hard to listen? Yes, so people like to eavesdrop on other people's conversation and do not bother to really listen with their heart on their own conversations. The irony.

Yeah so Iam a whiny little bitch who likes to complain about everything and anything and all I care is about myself. And people wonder why I always don't talk and keep to myself.

I thought I was taking a chance and I thought it was gonna turn out alright.

Triumph.

2012-01-01T22:18:00.001+08:00

People doubt my abilities too much. I thought I was the only one who knows what I can or cannot do?

The goodness of it all.

2011-12-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

Iam such a grumpy person. I think Iam constantly angry at anything and everything around me.

I used to get bullied last time. My mum always say I get pushed around by my friends all the time.. I still am.. A little. Yeah, I get bullied. My friends stole my stuff and hid them and wouldn't give them back to me until my mum wrote a letter to the teacher. And I didn't even tell my mum until she found out. I lied to her that I forgot to bring it back. And I think I used to cry all the time. And at one time I told myself I wouldn't cry anymore. And at the other point I started to bottle evrything up.

Iam a bomb ready to implode anytime.

But then I was kind of stronger. I try not to let people take advantage of me and I stay clear of friends who are just so fake. In primary school and lower secondary school I had people who perhaps just took pity on me and allowed me into their circle of friends.

Iam just rather happy I have real friends right now. I may not really like them all the time (harhar) but that's really just me. I believe they've done the best that they could.

Iam just trying to be a better person in my own terms. Like maybe.. a less hostile person?

A holly and two cherries?

2011-12-24T23:54:00.001+08:00

It's 6 minutes to Christmas!! Maybe a magical feeling would suddenly befall us on the stroke of midnight. What would I write about tonight? Actually I can't think of anything.. Hmm..

Okay let me talk about my tumbler. It leaks water when not placed upright so yesterday while I was racing cars in the arcade I forgot about my tumblr and placed it sideways instead. So water flooded my bag and submerged my two phones in water. Well I wasn't really using two phones. One of them was actually my mp3 but anyway they hit water. And lo and behold my two phones were busted. My phone is fixed now though, but my mp3 currently cannot be switched on. T.T Sigh.. all my music.. :( I feel so sad. How can I sleep or read books or do nothing without music now?! SIGH.

Oh it's midnight now!! Merry Christmas people! And have a Happy New Year!! Next year will be better. :)

Fame Fatale.

2011-12-18T17:47:00.000+08:00

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Nope.
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
Yeah.
3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Aggravated and happy.. I don't know...
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Of course! Being friendly is nice. :)
5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Nope.
6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
No.
7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
Brown shirt and pink shorts. Weird combination, I know.
8. How often do you listen to music?
Almost everyday? Mostly at nighttime.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Jeans. Har.
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
..Nah.
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
Antisocial!
12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
Nope.
13. What about ‘R’?
-.- No.
14. Can you drive a stick shift?
Are racing games considered?
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Abit.
16. Are you going out of town soon?
If they say Orchard Road is town, then Iam constantly out of town.
17. When was the last time you cried?
Eh.. I forgot. Last month?
18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Not really.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
Again not really. It would be nicer for my irises to be a lighter shade of brown though. But it's fine now.
20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
Uh... No?
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
A whole bunch of people coming to my house. Iam hiding in my bro's room right now.
22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Um.. maybe..?
23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
No.
24. What are you sitting on right now?
Iam lying down on my bro's bed. Good thing he's not at home hehe.
25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
Nah.
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Hmm.. not really I guess.
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My mum. She told me to switch off my lights. I replied "mmm.."
28. Do you get a lot of colds?
Nope! :D
29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
OceanPacific I think.
30. Does anyone hate you?
I don't know! But I think there's bound to be somebody who hates me.
31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Lol no.
32. Do you like watching scary movies?
NO.
33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
No. It's scary.
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
Primary 5.
35. Did you have a dream last night?
Uh.. no.
36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I haven't said it I think..
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
18+5=23 Oooh old.. but no.
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Ehhh.. I guess?
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Yeah they have nothing better to do. -.- No?
40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
Hell yeah.
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
No. Duh.
42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
No. I'll hide at home.
43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Not really.
44. What’s the best part about school?
Being able to be with friends and being able to learn!
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
YES. -.-
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
Last time was in Sec 4.
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Yeah...
48. Were you single over the last summer?
Sadly, yes. :(
49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Of course not. It's been better now.
50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Making Christmas cards? Own time own target though.
51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Nope.
52. Are you nice to everyone?
I try to be.
53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yes.... Uh.. Iam not sure.
54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Yes.
55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Kindof?
56. Do you think you like someone?
Mixed feelings.
57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
NO!
58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
Guys. The conversations are so much more interesting/ weird/ funny.
59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Yes.
60. Do you hate anyone?
Hate is a very strong word so no.
61. How’s your heart?
It is gooood. And fiiiine...
62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Yeah. Wish it didn't happen. But it did. :/
63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
Of course.
64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
Noone I guess? I have not that much to talk about.
65. Are your toenails painted pink?
Nope!
66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
I hope not?
67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
Uh... I don't love it but if the reason why they cry is acceptable, go ahead. :)
68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
Hahahahahaha no.
69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
SQ. I wanted to hang up when she said there was McDonald at A's place.
70. How do you look right now?
Kind of not very pretty. My hair's a mess today.
71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Think so?
72. Can you commit to one person?
Yes.
73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Not yet.
74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes.
75. Did you wake up cranky?
Today? No.
76. Are you a jealous person?
Just a tad.
77. Are relationships ever worth it?
I haven't been in one, I don't know.
78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Hmm.. uh. Yes.
79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
Uh. I.. really don't know....
80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
Make Christmas cards.
81. Last person you cried in front of?
Was it YT?
82. Is there someone you will never forget?
Yeah I guess.
83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
Maybe?
84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
Texting. Lol.
85. Are you over your past?
Yes.
86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
No.
87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
No.
88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
No.
89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
Probably yes. But then my mum would wake up and start raging.
90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Hmmm.. no.
91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
Unsure.
92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
No.
93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
For the last time no.
94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
No relationship.
95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
Ehh.. I.. think so...?
96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
Hahahaha my mum? Okay yeah. She looks young for her age okay.
97. Who do you have texts from?
Alot of people luh.
98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
"GO CHASE HER!!" Then cry and wallow for some days and move on. :(
99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
No.
100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
My heartshaped sunglasses. :>
101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
No.
102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Yeah duh.

I know some of the answers are abit vague but I really don't know the answers to those questions. Iam unsure of myself.

Until then, GOODBYE.

2011-12-16T16:46:00.001+08:00

I can't fucking do it.

One should not make decisions at night.

2011-12-16T01:12:00.001+08:00

Okqy so I've decided. I will take a risk and muster up my courage to send the message tomorrow.

At first I was angry and sad, thinking why hadn't it happened yet, why am I still waiting. And how I willed myself to not think about it and I kept pusing the blame to the other side.

And then it kind of hit me that it was me who was stopping it all. Because I had taken on this passive attitude and kept thinking that all I had to do was to sit back and wait and it'll come to me. And I really had ot done anything at all. It was always the other side who did the advancing and I do like it. And I want it back. And I understand that this passive attitude of mine has been very irritating or put offish. Yeah. I mean, we don't sit back and wait for things to come to us right? We're supposed to fight for it!

So I shall take this plunge and it might be off great height. And I may fall off my high horse and get myself injured or something but hey, at least I see blood right? Harhar. So yes! Iam gonna do it tomorrow. I just hope it's not my nightly high talking here and hope I won't chicken out. Matte black nails crossed.

A vicar and plays.

2011-12-15T17:39:00.003+08:00

Someone please stab me in the heart when I've got makeup on. Then I'll be able to die dramatically with the surprised look on my face and then I'll step back from the killer and then I'll fall to the ground with my arms spread out and this flowy dress spread around me. Such a cool way of dying.

No, seriously. I need to get out of this freaking hellhole. Iam sick and tired of people talking to me like I don't have a purpose in the things I do. As much as a zombie Iam, I do have a reason for my actions. So do not question me.

I've become very interested in blood recently. Okay.. maybe I've been interested in blood for quite sometime now. I like how blood is so red and rich and dark and it kind of transfixes me into staring at it for a prolonged period of time. And the way it flows is different from any other type of liquid. It's heavy and somewhat thick. I don't really like the smell though, the iron smell. What's better than blood itself is blood on something else.

Okay Iam a freak. Whatever.

Passing the mark.

2011-12-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

I do have my own rules. Just two rules. I think. 1. Never look back. Never regret your past, don't go searching for any form of the past. And let the past ALWAYS be a past. Applies to people as well. If you are out, you are out forever. 2. Always aim for the best and do not ever settle for 2nd place. Right now, I admit I do not really adhere to the rules since number 1 is constantly getting broken and I have to slap myself to prevent any more wallowing. And I'll always be breaking rule number 2 because whatever I do, I never become the top, always being behind somebody else. I do want to be the best, but I don't work for it. That's my fault I guess. I don't like competitiveness and the result of it, which is trying too hard.

Painted my nails matte black since I do not have any more for the week. I feel bad ass. Well, not that I have any chance to go out or something, I think. But if I ever do go out I'll wear my studded bracelet too, for effect. Hahaha!!

I don't like communicating with annoying people for too long and the littlest things can annoy me. Seriously, it annoys the hell out of me that I really do not want to continue the conversation but I do, out of courtesy. If not, I think I would have lesser friends than what I already have.

Nothing at all and nevermore. If you do want to be my past, do not regret it, because I will not. Moveon and moveover. No action, no effect. You do have many flaws anyway. Bye.

Green Washingtons.

2011-12-12T11:42:00.001+08:00

CONGRATULATIONS ON ME HAVING ANOTHER BLOGREADER! YAY!! Sorry to have pulled you over to my dark side.. but since you're here already, have fun being here!

Today I shall talk about money. Yes, money. Well honestly to me, money does not matter. It may not be that much important to me. Well, as long as I can fufill my basic necessities, Iam good. Because Iam not really the type that go for branded and luxurious items. I THINK I don't own anything more than $75.. Oh yeah I do. My wallet hehe. ANYWAYS, money is not that of a big deal to me. I guess I just save. Okay, I do spend my money on CERTAIN stuff but it's just because I've saved enough to buy them.

While I may not have monetary woes, I come to think that some people have alot of money issues. Okay take my bro for instance. -.- Iam using him as an example to show an equal comparison in terms of having about the same amount of money. Unlike me, he's kind of bent on buying branded labels with the mindset of "branded is better and non-branded stuff is just beneath me." So O guess he spends more money than me? Obviously, since he goes out everyday. Thus, he seems to be the one with the mometary issues as he always complain about the lack of money.

We always think that if a person is richer he would have no trouble in spending more. But what if the want to spend on more expensive stuff gives problems instead? Like the other way round. But the constant is the expensive item instead of the... Uh. Something else. Iam abit confused myself.

I was wondering why there's such a big wealth gap in the world between different countries. Yeah, there are alot of factors to take into account. And I've learnt that developed countries cannot degenerate, undeveloped countries have to move forward. But why can't we move backward instead? Live a slower pace of life? Cut down on unneeded infrastructure or something? But you should be aware that by this time Iam not making much sense because my mind's in a jumble and not really functioning properly now..

Until next time when I sort my thoughts out, bye!

If you can't hold on, don't.

2011-12-12T02:15:00.001+08:00

I wonder how people who don't really know me see me. So I've thought of some stereotypes or descriptions that people may come up with when talking about me. Harhar. I doubt people even talk about me since Iam like practically invisible. I think. LET THE BULLETING BEGIN! YEE HAW!! (Sorry, I just don't really want to study anymore.)

The tall thin girl.
The Keller OGL.
The girl who has alot of hairclips.
The one that looks abit like an ahlian.
The girl with the face that make me want to slap her. -->Well, I figured that out because my default face is really abit misleading.
The girl with the weird curly hair?
The girl with the scary stare.

Eh, I've got no more. I mean, I don't think I have alot of descriptions anyway. I look like any average person in school. So yeah.

I should probably cut my hair. But I have a love-hate relationship with each but Iam tending more to the love because honestly, how many people have natural curls like me? (Albeit the frizziness) I do like the curls but I hate the inability to tame it. Grrr.

Monday's the day. The unofficial day but, still the day. I guess it wouldn't be any different from now since I always slack. Damn. Iam incorrigible. Never change. What's wrong with me seriously. Somebody should take me to some therapist and administer electrocution on me or something something.

The yes and nos.

2011-11-24T22:34:00.001+08:00

I had a headache today. And certain things I did either made it better or aggravated it.
Sleeping made it worse.
Occupying myself made it better.
Thinking made it worse.
Darkness made it better.
Crying made it worse.
Music made it better. Slightly
Brightness made it worse.
Moving made it better. A little.
Overall it was the thinking of stuff which made it worse. As in the non-educational stuff.
Bye.

Good better best.

2011-11-23T01:22:00.001+08:00

I would like to write long letters to people telling them my heartfelt thoughts to them.
If only I could pluck up the courage.
Handwritten letters in this modernised world should only be saved for people that I think are important to me and those that I know will be by my side forever.
What if I wrote a person a letter and in the end we drift apart? The letters lose their meaning and should be burnt immediately.
If only we could see whether the people around us are permanent or not.
Iam very confused about this kind of relationships because in my opinion, I think I go into a relationship too easily. Sure I could make friends easily, but I could lose friends easily too. Like, I would be really close with a person for say, three months and suddenly we are not that close anymore. We become hi bye friends. So, I don't know about my own judgement of people around me..I mean they are nice people and all. I just can't distinguish this line of closeness. You know the circle of types of relationships? Like a circle inside a circle in side a circle? Circle of friends? Yeah, I can't put definite circles around people. It's really quite exasperating.

Well, I got to wake up early tomorrow.. Not like Iam gonna sleep soon anyway. Cheerio!

If you can't hold on, don't.

2011-11-19T22:40:00.001+08:00

The tall thin girl.
The Keller OGL.
The girl who has alot of hairclips.
The one that looks abit like an ahlian.
The girl with the face that make me want to slap her. -->Well, I figured that out because my default face is really abit misleading.
The girl with the weird curly hair?
The girl with the scary stare.

Eh, I've got no more. I mean, I don't think I have alot of descriptions anyway. I look like any average person in school. So yeah.

I should probasbly cut my hair. But I have a love-hate relationship with each but Iam tending more to the love because honestly, how many people have natural curls like me? (Albeit the frizziness) I do like the curls but I hate the inability to tame it. Grrr.

Monday's the day. The unofficial day but, still the day. I guess it wouldn't be any different from now since I always slack. Damn. Iam incorrigible. Never change. What's wrong with me seriously. Somebody should take me to some therapist and administer electrocution on me or something something.

Breaks and takes and makes and cakes.

2011-11-17T23:01:00.001+08:00

I just discovered a function on posting thanks to Tumblr.
Cool... Not that Iam gonna use it anyway..

I do have good parents.

2011-11-15T22:37:00.001+08:00

I like them so much. Okay love.

Dots and dots, Circles and circles.

2011-11-15T00:50:00.001+08:00

Hi, Iam back. Yes, just hours after my latest post. Well, I do post when I feel more.. emo in layman terms. I've been in a weird state lately, and it's not just because of exams or anything.. I don't know.

I feel that Iam an empty casket. No soul seems to occupy my body. And I lose control. But it seems that I've been empty for too long, and I can't revert back to my old self anymore.

If my hair was a measure of how long I had been void of happiness, I may have been unhappy for too long. No words seem to comfort me, I can't take anybody's advice. I can't take my own advice. I feel myself spinning out of control. I can't get a grip on my own life anymore. The thing is that no one knows because I've been hiding it well. People always see me as the optimistic girl who always look on the bright side. Always smiling, friendly, a normal average girl who seems to be high on air. While I still have short episodes of this side, I find myself being less and less like my mask. You see, it wasn't originally a mask. But now, it seems so. I keep thinking about all the bad stuff, and I keep wanting to be by myself. Slowly shunning everybody and hating everybody, even the closest people. I can't concentrate, I can't pay attention and even though I understand, I can't apply. And while people around me are re-assuring each other, Iam seen to be "the smart one", the one who doesn't need any support, no words of comfort, no words of reassurance. All the Good Lucks don't even mean a thing when eveybody is so worried about themselves. They somehow seem to have forgotten about me. Iam not smart or anything. I just like learning so I make an effort to understand rather than memorise. I only do the things I enjoy and ignore those that I dislike. That makes me like everyone else! Why should I be seen differently where people think I don't need any reassurance they carelessly give to the others? I always seem to be the butt of jokes. Do I look and act that fuuny to you? Well not to me. That is how I usually act, my natural self. I know we should laugh at ourselves, but people tend to go too far. Why bring out the past and couple it with the present? So as to bring about a bigger impact where I would be a bigger laughing stock?

Enough about the part about the joke that Iam. Somehow the words I wanted to hear or listen are left unsaid, untyped, unwritten. No matter how hard I try to dig it out, I don't get what I want: Just a few words that would make me feel better. Even saying "we shouldn't cry over spilt milk" could be bracingly accepted. I guess people have been too caught up in themselves to even make the people around them feel better. I think that's why whenever I watch the news and they take a shot of some crowded place, almost each and everyone of them have earphones plugged in. More and more people are getting too individualistic to pay attention to their surroundings. Such is a gruesome society.

That's why I keep wishing that I was dead instead.

Maybe I should just.... Let It Go.

Wish on a prayer.

2011-11-14T18:37:00.001+08:00

Do you believe in prayers? What about wishes? Are praying and wishing the same? Except perhaps for praying, we have a definite target we are expressing our wishes for? Ahh, then prayers are just like wishes, only more definite.

Then do all those prayers and wishes come true? I always say prayers and wishes can let us go that far. Why let prayers and wishes determine our life? Instead of praying for something why not start to set your target in motion.

That's not to say I don't believe in prayers and wishes. I still think every religion have their own god and I grew up recognising Jesus Christ even though Iam not Christian, Catholic or Methodist. And I still wish on fallen eyelashes and during 11.11. But then I think to myself, who will listen? There's like six billion people in the world, each with wishes, prayers, hopes and dreams. And Iam not even underprevileged. If the abovementioned were to be answered, the priority would go to the people who are not better of. And if prayers and wishes could be answered, the world would either be some sort of paradise or fall into some evil dictator's hands and we'll all be slaves. Every complication would be solved. Cure cancer, end global warming, increased food supply, regenerating raw resources. Thin people everywhere, everybody would have a partner. And the list goes on.

So how am I supposed to believe that my wishes would be heard and answered? Am I supposed to repent my sins and be a good person so that it ensures that I would do no harm? Unfortunately I can't. I think that every person is selfish and they do things for their own selfish gains. Eveything they do would eventually benefit them some way or another. Nobody would want to really exist in the world just to cater to another person wholeheartedly.

Therefore I think the reason I still wish because of a sort of denial. It perhaps gives a sort of comfort that someone may be watching over me. Of course, it may not be entirely true. Maybe I just want to feel this way because I know for myself that I wouldn't be able to do it so I need some cosmic force. Buy with that, I would be limiting myself.

Ultimately, I still think Iam in denial and fooling myself that there could be still hope. It makes me feel less useless. But I get disappointed everytime anyway...

Lights out.

2011-11-10T22:25:00.001+08:00

Too numb to cry. Void of any form of emotions. Well.. I've been like this for awhile now. I don't know what to do. I really am hopeless.aren't I? It's like Iam being eaten alive every single day and Iam the only one who can feel it. I feel so....degenerative, degrading along the years. And I can't find the will to continue any longer. I no longer seem to have a goal in life. No motive, no future. It's like Iam standing still but everybody else is moving on and improving. It's like I exist just to take up space. What is this pest inside me who is sucking up all my drive and motivation? I don't want to regret...

Feast.

2011-11-09T21:28:00.001+08:00

I feel so horrible right now and Iam not doing anything to help myself. I've given up already. Why do I even bother? Because it determines my future.

Can somebody murder me on my birthday? I give you the permission to do so. Please.

I want to sleep forever.

Doomed or "marooned"

2011-11-06T18:40:00.001+08:00

I do like using quotes from books I read, especially Wide Sargasso Sea, mainly because the main characters are mad.

I want to escape again, to a place I never knew, one where nobody recognises me and I too recognise no one.

Maybe if I weren't born in such a fast paced society where grades mean everything I would be better off. I always said I like to learn but not studying just for some stupid exam.

I hate this stupid policy that we have to be proven smart to be able to get a stable job. Who says we can't be excel in other aspects?

Well, evidently there are some examples of influential people that made it without complete education but that was in the past where education wasn't that important enough yet. What about now? We can't go anywhere without a degree. Why has it turned out like this? I still don't mind education but I dislike the notion of people trying to test our abilities and then grading us. What about those who aren't that smart and don't get all As? The results we see just makes us feel stupid and inferior when we realise that we aren't as good as the others. And in the end we can't get anywhere. I thought we were supposed to be ourselves? Now we are just pushing ourselves to suit what the society or rather the government wants.

No wonder so many people kill themselves. I always believed that death is a way of freeing ourselves from this messed up world. As we say in WSS, death is a form of power where you control your own destiny since you are able to make this decision and be free from societal woes.

Huh?

2011-11-05T00:04:00.000+08:00

What is this I feel? Not feel. I feel.. I feel like I can't feel anymore. An uncaring person. Not giving a damn. It's like Iam held in an eternal limbo of nothingness. Suddenly I don't have a goal. I don't have hopes and dreams. There's no direction.

"So what do you wanna do?"
"I....don't know."

What if I were to walk for miles and never come back? This place is not big, but neither is it small. What if I were to be an empty crate floating in the sea? I want to float to uncharted waters and islands. And I would discover new species of plants and animals.
"What? An empty box is able to see and talk and walk?"
But what's a box to do? What if this empty crate could be a mermaid? Then I would dive in these uncharted waters to discover a whole new world. And I would be the only person.

What if I were to be lonely? No. Lonliness has no place in a world like this.

And now back to where Iam. I don't want all these. I don't want it to start. I don't want it to end. For Iam unsure of what to do after this ends.

What am I? A decision maker for all your stuff?

A.D.

2011-11-01T23:02:00.001+08:00

I admire those people who can do what they wanna do whereas I can't because I don't dare to do what I want to do.

Iam just worthless because I don't fight for what I want. :(

Push.

2011-11-01T00:24:00.001+08:00

I wonder what's it like to not be a normal girl. What if I was some girl who was really rebellious and couldn't study. And then my life spirals out of control when I meet bad friends. Then I go smoking and drinking and have a drug addiction and all and have a new boyfriend every week and do all the things against the law. Then I'll go to jail and be in a Girls' Home forever and my parents won't even care. And I won't change. What if I don't change? I'll be this girl that everyone doesn't want to get associated with. And maybe I'll kill myself by drug overdose or by being to intoxicated that I jump off the roof or drop into a swimming pool and drown. Then that will be the end of my life.

What a different outlook on life. A life that no normal person would have. And I die early. Isn't that nice? I wouldn't have to suffer much because I've already abused my body for so long so I die earlier.

Numb. Another sad ending. Or maybe it's just a new beginning. Never believe other people or overthink again. It's bad for you.

Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump off. I dare you to. Jump and it will all be over. No worries. No body will know. It'll be our little secret. Our own personal story. Jump. JUMP.

Now cry. Or don't. It's up to you.

Coloured markers.

2011-10-30T23:50:00.001+08:00

I do have alot of coloured markers. I just like them alot. Har.

Anyway, that's besides the point. I woke up feeling like shit because there seemed to be an invisible being hitting the side of my head. Yeah. Whenever I move I have this freaking headache. >:( It's damn bad. I suspect a growth. But I hope there isn't one..

A Leveks' in less than 10 days. Honestly, Iam a bit scared. Because Iam doing only minimally but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. Somehow this seems to be a cycle and Iam tired of it already. This may look like Iam giving up and maybe Iam. But I can't find any purpose in it. See. When you are a student, you study hard so that you can get a steady job next time. And when you are an adult you work hard so you can have enough money to enjoy life. But it's all so cyclical for me. I don't like cycles alot. It's like you are constantly back to square one and for what? You have to do the same thing every single time. I don't really like being a human. Humans live too long. Okay, some animals live longer than us, but they don't have to do the stuff that we do. I'd rather have my lifespan shortened and do somthing I like everyday than to force myself to do the same thing on and on for about 70 years. It's plain shit. So what if we are more superior than animals in terms of intellect and having emotions and feelings that animals can never have? We also have societal problems. There are bad people out there. That's why there are seven deadly sins. Lust, Gluttony, Avarice, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. I mean I know there are good people too.. But.. you get my point. Iam not saying Iam a saint I don't have these 7 sins. Yes, I do. And I hate myself for that. But nobody is perfect. And I do question that. Why is the world imperfect?

But then again if the world was imperfect, We would not know of imperfection or perfection in a sense, because there is no benchmark for perfection. So everyone would lead dainty nice little lifves and everyone would be the same. And that would also be boring wouldn't it? So honestly, once again Iam conflicted. I wonder what would happen if we didn't exist at all. Would we still be other entities? I mean.. what was I before I was born? Was I doing the same thing? What would I be after I died? Would I still be doing the same thing? Seriously, what?! I don't understand!!! I don't want to believe in reincarnation where we had past lives and all.. But what do we become?! I really want to know.. It's really hard to get an answer when something doesn't exist at all. I really respect all those inventors who made something that didn't exist at all out of thin air. How do they do it if theydidn't have a concept to follow at all? Well.. it could be accidental. Many inventions were made through accidents.

Well, Iam off to read my Bio notes now. I have 8 more days ohmygo. o.o

P.S. Is there a major in university in philosophy? Wonder what they teach..

Secretly in love.

2011-10-26T01:46:00.001+08:00

So. Hi. It's 1.31am on Tuesday and Iam blogging. And there's this annoying feeling on my left ring finger because my nail is too long and it keeps pressing again the sides. :/

Anyway.. being in love. What does ot even mean? What is love? How do we define it? Does it bring happiness or whatever positivity to your life? Obviously not always if not why do people have exes and divorces and whatnot?! And up till now maybe I haven't experienced anything like that, excluding familial love. That's a separate topic.

Why do I say maybe? Well... Iam really not sure. I thought maybe I have fell in love once before.. but, Iam not really sure. Maybe yes, at that time. But not now.. maybe not ever. Which goes to the next question. Is love for a person permanent? And my opinion that it's not.

And Iam not desperate for love either. I shall just sit back and chill.. and let nature take it's course, fate to cast it's powers and cupid to shoot arrows.. whatever.

And I still can't get over the fact that this girl I saw on TV just now has had 13 exes and she's one year younger than us. But her consequence is that now she's afraid to fall in love. Boo hoo too bad. I always believe that if we want to take revenge, we should only act on the person who did it in the first place and not take it out on others. But she went to toy with 12 other guys just because her first one cheated on her. Like whuuuuttt. Lol and I was telling during the show. "This girl has 13 exes and is born in 1994?! Iam born in 1993 and haven't had one single guy!! What the hell is this generation doing?!" Hahaha!! Yes, Iam complaining about my own generation.

And if SQ sees this, NO THIS IS NOT AND EXTENSION TO THE TOPIC WE WERE TALKING ABOUT EARLIER.

()

2011-10-24T01:39:00.001+08:00

Fuck I just deleted a very long and meaningful post.

Fuck.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Damn it. >:(WHYYYYYYYYY??!!Why did I press the reset button freaking hell.Now I feel sad..Sigh..I dreamt that I got pierced by a flying spear at my left waist. There was this dull bruising feeling but I wasn't dead. And someone brought me somewhere. Weird huh?That was the last part of the post I deleted.Wtf I can't handle my stupidity. I typed alot about friends and people... :'(And now Iam hungry. Freaking hell. Urgh.

No unauthorised devices allowed.

2011-10-20T22:53:00.001+08:00

I can't be left on my own. I cannot be left to my own devices. Because I tend to wander and veer off course. In context, I would do stuff I like, not stuff that I should be doing. So I need somebody to sit me down and order me to do something. I have to be restrained.

But it's difficult y'know. I mean, who would be so free to constantly supervise me to make sure I get things done? And then I would have to be all on my own and do irrelevant stuff again. :(

Iam just not serious enough. I don't take things seriously. Not when somebody is angry, not when there's a circumstance that requires me to be serious. Am I too shallow then? I most certainly do not want to be a shallow person.

I do have aspirations, dreams, goals. But Iam just not proactive and driven and determined enough to get what I want. My nearest goal is to be one of the top scorers. But.. Iam kinda always second best. PSLE. All As not Astars. O Levels. All A2s not A1s.

Am I aiming to high?? I have big dreams... I wanted to be an inventor and invent something that will help the world. I wanted to be a forensic scientist because I found it fascinating how dead bodies can tell so much. I wanted to be a doctor because I believed I could help people, along with my interest in the anatomy of bodies. Lastly I settled on being a marine biologist because life not-on-land wasn't getting enough attention and I wanted to help as much as I could, with The Great Barrier disintegrating and all the oil spills and all.. along with my interest in animals of course..

But without and seriousness I wouldn't be able to acheive them..

How would one go about being serious then?

-"You sir, have the flair in writing. Could I possibly learn from you?"

How am I supposed to live my life?

2011-10-17T17:44:00.000+08:00

Hello hello. Come one come all. So how long have I been away? Well it does not matter. Today, I shall tell you about a dream I had last night. Hurray, a long story that does not even make sense again.

Apparently, I had this chance to stay in this hotel room given to me by the school. (Lolwhut? The school?!) But this hotel was kind of different. The rooms were located in some sort of shopping centre, a very large shopping centre. So it was like at ground level, where people just walked past here and there, and the rooms were just.. there.. Just imagine you walking around in a shopping mall, and then you come across doors with numbers along a white wall. Yeah, like that. But the problem is that I've forgotten what the room number was. Oh, I forgot to mention that I was with my mum and bro to stay with me.

Anyway, I decided to just go in some empty room. Strangely enough, the key I had could open the door. We went in, but not more then five minutes later, a large guy with a large mustache came in and said this was his room. Oops. So obviously went out, and continued to search for the room. An then I remembered that my room was 237, but I wasn't sure whether I remembered correctly, so we went to search for it. But there wasn't such room. And then we saw this door which was different from the other doors, and opened it. Turns out it was a lift lobby. And the lift lobby was rather dimly lit and the walls were painted pale green but thery were dirty. And the lift was a cargo lift. The lift lobby just gave me the creeps. And we realised that perhaps the room was on the other floor and we had to take the lift. So into the lift we went. AND. There was this cockroach on the right side of the lift. Oh yeah, the lift was pale green too. And as we went to the other floor, the cockcroach was emmitting this sound, like a cricket. Ohmygod it was so creepy. And my mum started freaking out and I told her to keep quiet so as not to frighten th cockroach but she kept squirming and sure enough, the cockroach FLEW. FLEW!! It flew to my mum hahahaha!! And it landed on her arm. And she was still screaming but then the lift doors opened so we rushed out leaving the cockroach behind.

We continued searching for the room but we couldn't find it. And I decided to message my teacher whether she knew which room was mine. (Yes, another lolwhut moment.) And it was getting creepier like there was this uncomfortable aura that sent chills to my spine. Okay maybe not that serious but it was a bit scary and tense at that time, like we were being watched. And we took the elevator down again, to the underground carpark and when the doors opened, there were this bunch of guy, and they wanted to take us away, I don't know for what. And me and my bro suddenly had these kungfu fighting powers. (No not superpowers, Iam speaking/typing figuratively) Then we started to fight these people. And the lift lobby at the carpark was those like at typical shopping mall carpark lift lobby. It had transparent glass walls which were dirty too.. And the lift lobby itself was squarish. Anyway, we were fighting the guys until we were out of the lift lobby and we while we were fighting I saw more guys going into the lift lobby to take my mum. And then I was like shouting to my bro that they were taking away our mum and so we ran back to the lift and started pulling the men away from her and pulled her out. And then we ran. We ran out.. somewhere.

And then I woke up.

I think I have a tendency to dream about dark stuff.. like the dream was actually going fine but it suddenly changes to something bad. Sigh..

I think the Tang Quartet on Wednesday were rather impressive.. but I kind of like Bond better. But both of them were really good. I could never play as nice as them. The difference in sound quality is just too great. :(

Mentality. I must have the right mentality. Differentiate from "can", "have to", "should" and "want to"

Out of contact.

Spark alight.

2011-10-13T21:04:00.001+08:00

During this period I had forgotten. But once I saw, this feeling was sparked again. It's kind of like my character. I can do without something, but once it comes within distance, I'll be addicted to it. Yeah. So I was kind of feeling happy. :) It made me smile. Yay.

That smile, that arm, that whisper. All secrets.

Windswept hair.

2011-10-07T23:15:00.001+08:00

So.. Iam listening to Coldplay again. Harhar. Iam seriously obsessed with them. And I don't get tired of their songs everyday. But the most absurd thing is that I only liked the band about two months ago.

What do I like about Coldplay? Even though not all songs appeal to me, I really applaude the guitar playing skills and how the melody is so different from other songs. It's abit emo, but the song somehow brings it out as a soothing and pleasant melody. And the vocals, by Chris Martin, are just great. He comes across as a charismatic man. Do you know that he's married to Gweneth Paltrow? Surprise surprise. I may not have a wide range of vocabulary to describe how much I adore this band but.. just know that I like Coldplay alot okay?!

A cold chill befalls upon the household. No one speaks, just whispers. Each and every one afraid to step out of line, step on toes. All pretentiously engrossed in their own actions, not bothering to interact. Cut off. Broken strands of rope. What if we were to never go back?

Chasing tails.

2011-10-06T23:26:00.001+08:00

There's nothing to say for the time being. Nothing at all.

And that is all.

The purple nineteen.

2011-09-28T22:10:00.001+08:00

I picked a purple nineteen. It was... a lucky sign. Purple and nineteen. Well, it may not be anything important, it may not be important to me even. But.. it was a nice looking sign. I guess.

Meepmeep. I guess I've been functioning without a brain these few days.. Iam a bit numbed too. It's like.. I am a body without a soul. Without any goal. Just existing without a function. I feels abit weird. I somehow like it but I also dislike it. It is a time waster but then again you use the time to do what you want. It's really confusing.

You have a choice. To do what you are supposed to do or to do what you want to do.
If you choose to do what you are supposed to do, it's like you have a deadline, a specific timeframe but then you'll be pressurized, stretched, exhausted.
If you choose to do what you want to do, you would have the leisure if time to perfect what you want to perfect. Your interests ,hobbies, whatever. You feel more of a..emotional and personal type of happiness? Spiritual even.
Actually I don't even know if Iam making any sense.. so yeah..

Iam a bottle. A very big bottle. I hate it when people say that Iam somrbody Iam not. I don't understand why they keep repeating my supposed characteristic when I keep reiterating that Iam not. And I do not like to be acting like the said characteristic. It's really annoying and it's like Iam framed for something that I did not do. Yeah I laugh it off everytime but seriously, it's really dumb and I really can't be bothered to even handle you. I hate to be mocked. It's really tiring to put up with these people.

All I can say is, good luck for these two weeks! :)

Painted Roses.

2011-09-24T00:24:00.001+08:00

I made up a scene on my own yesterday. And I hoped it would be real. But obviously it won't come true, because I made it too idealistic. But at the same time I also wished it would be somewhat that way. But then again..

Well... I've got nothing much to say today.. exceptthat my prelims are over. And.. I can be relieved of trauma for just awhile. And then maybe I'll go spiral down into nothingness and desperation and destruction again. Maybe.

Funny. Everything I do, I have a purpose. I had a motive. And I can't explain it to anybody. Because... Argh. I can't type anymore.

Bye.

Negativitea

2011-09-20T23:30:00.001+08:00

It's only been two days and I starting to think too much again. I should really slap myself. And I shouldn't be thinking about all these in the first place.

My posts are mostly repetitve because I keep worrying about the same issues and I have to tell myself to stop thinking too much or stop harping on it at all. And most of the time I tend to not listen to myself. No self-control. No self-management. I yearn for freedom and expansive knowledge. But I keep asking myself, "Fool. Do you think you'll be able to acheive all these? In order to get what you want you are supposed to break out of the norms. But you are still conforming. And you always will be." Nobody is ever able to do what he wants in this world. Everything he does is restricted, always tied down. Always does what is expected.

But what is the unexpected exactly? If it is really unexpected, we wouldn't really know unless we do it. Venture into the unknown. But once you do the unexpected for the very first time, the second time you do it, it has already become the expected. But then again? What is the unknown if we do not know it exists? It's really hard to think of the unknown. Because whatever you think about is what is already known. Does that mean that the unknown does not really exist until it becomes known? Whatever we know exists, whatever we don't know does not really exist. Then.. is the unknown our imagination?

There are really many possibilities for these kind of stuff.. I like philosophical stuff because it makes you link from one place to the other. Always thinking, always linking, leading from one thing another, and all the endless points of view. Is it possible to analyse a philosophical topic and expand it for a whole day? What if... philosophy was a subject in school?! o.o People would forever be getting mindblown. But at least it does not produce robots.

Cry.

2011-09-17T23:26:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I just feel sad. It's not without reason.. But... it's just the way people talk to me. They speak to me as if Iam not worth their time. And I end up feeling sad. :( And I start closing up by not talking to people, doing my own stuff and ignoring them, or just stay in my own room. I'll just shut up. And most probably listen to songs. And I would most likely listen to sad slow songs. And... it makes me more depressed than ever. Sigh. Ohwell.

But what I would like most is for someone to talk to me as if they don't expect me to listen. Because they just want to talk to me, to let me know everything that they want me to know. And when they don't expect me to listen, most of the time is that I will listen. I haven't experienced that before so I really can't guarantee anything, but I MAY want to hear somebody talk to me like Iam important enough to them.

Today's a rather iffy day. Because I don't sense the presence. :( I feel kinda sad. SIGH. BIG SIGH.

~P.S. I listened to other Queen songs. I can say that they are rather... peculiar in a way and I do quite like their songs, maybe more than average. See? Iam accepting. :)

Bubbles pop.

2011-09-16T18:30:00.002+08:00

Right now the weather outside is the on-the-verge-of-raining weather. Dark clouds all around making everywhere look like the apocalypse is coming. An atmosphere of despair and desperation. And the smell of rain. I kind of like to go out on such a weather. Go out as in really stand outside, like a walk in the park or something. Because I think it's really cooling I like this atmosphere. Why? Because no one in their right mind would want to go out resulting in really empty and quiet places. And then it's like all the leaves flying everywhere.. it's just this creepiness that I quite like. It's a... pondering philosophically type of weather.

I painted Matte Black nailpolish on two of my nails yeasterday. Now it looks so badass. It may be a weird thinking, but dark coloured nailpolish kind of gives me some sort of power and making me think I can do anything and get away with it. It's a bit ridiculous though.. but it really does. But I still like colours.

I have a blister on the tip of my finger right now.. because I was playing the violin just now.. haven't played for a very long time.. and I sounded bad. :( Omg I sounded really out of tune. Ohwell. And the blister is really fun to pop. Abit like.. bubblewrap.. accept that some liquid comes out.. Am I grossing my reader out? Hahahaha!! The liquid is clear by the way.. does it lessen the gross factor?

And.
Iam a really bad person.

Striking a fire.

2011-09-12T18:45:00.001+08:00

Today. It is a very typical, unassuming, unsurprising day. I have no idea why Iam blogging during this very normal day. And I do not have anything to say.

I dreamt of students wearing the new stripey tie. It looked rather nice I would say.. kind of looking forward to them announcing the results to the voting.

A wedding there is next Saturday! I would say I feel apprehensive.. At least I get to wear high heels. I feel self conscious about wearing too nicely though. I mean.. all the people wearing silky looking dresses or satin, with so much real diamonds or pearls.. and all the rosy cheeks and hair and makeup.. eww. The most I can do is really just mascara, eyeliner and lipgloss.. I don't really like powdering stuff on my face.

But makeup does make one better looking. The right amount of makeup that is. I mean. Look at my cousin's wedding photos! They made him look actually handsome! Hahaha!

Enough about the wedding, for the prelims this time round, I only really revised Chem. Ha! I really want to buck up this time round and really get As for A Levels. Who doesn't though? I just don't want to waste my time because my plan B is to go to some Poly to get a diploma. That means I have to go through 3years of school. Again. That's five years of Post-Secondary education.

Lovers in Japan.

2011-09-09T18:42:00.003+08:00

Iam.. supposed to do some work now.. since it's not dinner time yet.. but I decided to partially redecorate my blog, change quotes, pictures, delete dead links and create a post. Bad decisions. If only I could do the things I want. It would be like Iam super efficient.

I still freaking miss New York. And Washington. I loved staying at the Inn. I loved the cold weather. I loved the breakfasts everyday, sitting together to eat. The Inn was the best. I like the cozy room, the small little park, the frontdesk, the dining area, the food, the vending machine. And at night it looked like a very apt scene for some mass murderer and at now I regret not going out into the cold night just sitting at the corridor staring at the dark sky. The blackness is very comforting. Oh, and blowing air out which becomes steam.

And the Supermarket!The night where they told us to go to the supermarket to buy our own dinner. We didn't. I bought a big box of Gobstoppers for my brother and that was all. We went back to our rooms and ate instant noodles instead. I liked the supermarket because it was HUGE. That's the thing. Everything was HUGE in America. I loved all the convinence stores that I went. It just puts those in Singapore to shame. Minus all the branded stores and everything, America was still pretty spectacular. I love the quiet straight streets where you could stand at one end and still see the other end.

And the museums. It was sad that we didn't have the leisure of time to go through all the exhibits, I was really looking forward to that!! Bottomline: The museums were GREAT.

And as The History Channel starts to advertise documentary shows about 9/11, I remembered he last day in New York, where we were able to learn more about the disaster, and go to the exact site, listen to the stories, walk through the streets, and ending up from where we started. It was really AWESOME.

Oh yeah, and Wicked! at Gershwin Theatre. It was so amazing and I was mesmerised by the song "Defying Gravity" just before the intermission, where Elphaba flew up. I was like "whoa". And of course, I slept during the intermission due to exhaustion and running up and down all the streets so we would be where the teachers wanted us to be in time... and I remembered who I got startled awake when the dragon..machine.. thingy roared! Haha!!

And the AIRPLANE RIDE. I swear it was the most breathtaking moment ever. Because it was my first plane ride and I TOOK MY FIRST PLANE TO AMERICA. Well technically it was to Dubai but it was really really exciting!! And the toilets on the plane were so cool... so cool. And my first plane wasn't from Budget Airlines!! They served food and had a screen in front of us!!! It was really once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. OMG.

The 10 days were really magical to me. It was like, "Iam may never do this again." It was like "OMG." It was like alot of squealing, shrieking, screaming kind of experience. It was like "WoW."

You had to be there to feel it. No words can ever replace what I went through.

Dream.

2011-09-08T18:10:00.001+08:00

Woah. I had a totally cool dream last night. It started out with me and a friend whose face wasn't really seen at some sort of governmental embassy sort of office. Or rather, what I think an embassy would look like since I've not been to one before. There were doors from all sides of the so-called office. Steps led up to front wooden double-doors. Steps from the back doors leading upwards to some place. And single side doors. You had to go through a hallway which wasn't straight to the side doors so it was like you couldn't really see the side doors from the office itself. The office.. was bright, well-lit. There were computers on tables, files, what a typical office would look like. But it was an open concept type of office, means no cubicles.

So my friend and I were looking around the office, and I saw this red button inside a drawer of a table which was actually placed in the middle of the office. And of course I pressed it. Then suddenly the office started to change. It started growing out. The wooden doors were still there, but when the office grew out, glass doors replaced them. So it was like the wooden doors were the perimeter and the glass doors were inside. And then the dream suddenly took on this serious and tense atmosphere and all at once I realised people were gonna come for us and somewhat kill us. So I quickly ran to close all the doors and made sure that nobody had seen us. At the right side door, as I was closing the doors, this lady saw me and.. I kind of forgot this part.. I think it was either she wanted to go in or she wanted to know what I was doing. Anyway, I kind of made up something and made her go away and close the glass doors. Hmm weird, the side doors only had glass doors not wooden doors. Okay, and then I had to lock the glass door, and the lock was actually just some clasp sort of thing at the middle of the doors. Oh yeah, the side doors become double doors too.. yeah, so the lock was just at the part where the two doors met when they closed, and I seriously don't know how it kept people out, but it did.

While I was locking the side doors, it was already dark outside. And when I got back to the office, there was this..uncle.. telling me that people were coming for us. And as soon as he said that there were like..shadows of two people from the side door I just locked. We couldn't see them and they couldn't see us since the hallway was bent but their shadows were cast from the orangey lights outside and we became real quiet. And since the side door was locked, they couldn't come in but the other side door wasn't locked! And I don't know why, but we didn't bother to lock it either. Maybe there weren't any locks.. Okay so we ducked down and hid behind the maze of tables while the two guys looked for another way in and I suddenly realised that the office was still in the expanded form! And then I told the uncle to press the red button again immediately, so he did, and the office became smaller, abit squarey, and also became darker. I think.. there weren't any lights anymore, but the office looked dark blue.. And then there was this wooden sliding door but it wasn't really a door. It was a screen with vertical wooden bars, abit Japanese style kind of Zen screen. And again, I don't know why I did it, but I just went to slide it shut.

By this time the two men had came into the office, and we ducked down behind the tables again, trying not to let them see us. And then as they went to the right side, we crawled to the side door at the left. But the strange thing was that we didn't go out, but went into this toilet which was beside the door. And when we went in, the uncle disappeared.

The toilet was really large. It had a hallway which opened up to the real toilet space. The whole toilet itself resembled a kitchen from those older type of HDB flats. And the toilet was blue all over. Those small square blue tiles that we normally see in a toilet. And the toilet bowl was filthy. Urgh. There were like.. yellow stains and all. The floor had alot of bottles of detergents, spray cans, all those, which filled up a corner and lined one wall. And there were two windows. One high up beside the toilet bowl and one normal kitchen window without grilles. Just open. Since we were trying to escape from the two men, I climbed the grossly dirty toilet bowl and looked out the high window. It looked like we were very high up and when I looked down, it was like a dark back alley, but then there were colorful ropes that were strung across the building we were in to the opposite building at every level. So it was like we couldn't escape from here. And the outside of the other building was nothing. Like, if you climbed out of it you would immediately drop down and die. So we were technically trapped. I even tried to hide behind the numerous bottles but obviously it failed.. and the two men came in. We were at a loss what to do, and I suddenly suggested of spraying the two men's eyes with stuff, so we each grabbed a spray can; me a can of insecticide and my friend a can of pink freshener and viciously sprayed them into their eyes. But omg, it didn't affect them at all! And we were still spraying and went around them and ran out of the toilet. And they started chasing us.

And then I woke up.

What ifs:

2011-09-05T16:03:00.001+08:00

I always wondered What If... What if I didn't do this. What if I didn't do that. Sure, my life would have changed, but how much would it be changed? What if I failed my A Levels? What if I passed? What if I didn't choose a JC? What if I meet my friends? Would I still have changed? Would my life be semi colourful as it is now?

And then there are The Things I Regret. I always regret not thinking of something to say sooner during a conversation. I lie awake in bed at night sometimes think "Shit, I should have said this instead! Stupid stupid stupid!" What if I did things right in which I wouldn't regret? Hmm. That would be in some alternate world where I would be living an alternate life. Alternatives. Altercations. Alterations. Alto. Allusive. Allusion. Alliteration. Haha, now Iam just going into Literary terms already.

I do love Lit. It keeps me thinking. What is the persona thinking? Is he/she only thinking like that? There must be something else! But what? And does this mean what I think it means? What if I thought deeper? Peel the upper layer and reveal what's underneath. Dismantle the whole thing altogether. It's rather fun. Only if done leisurely and not in exams. And so is Bio and Chem. Maths... not really.

Space.

2011-09-01T16:36:00.002+08:00

Today is the start of the School Holidays! Don't know whether to cry or laugh. Because there's no school, meaning I won't be able to study in school and instead play all day. But then it's the holidays...

Painted my nails Coral! It's sooo pretty.. :> And it'll be in pictures! Going out with meine freunde later.. which means I have to prepare in ten minutes.. Oh, XX's gonna be late, so I can stay till 6pm! Bwahahahaha!!

Actually.. that's the end of my post.. unless I add on later at night..

Just wanna say.. I'll miss you. :'(

Hippopotamus.

2011-08-30T18:06:00.002+08:00

Uh. Did I even spell that correctly??

I would have put in pig, but today's Hari Raya, and pig is against their religion. So, yeah. I have a problem.

I HAVEN'T GONE ON A PROPER DATE WITH VECTORS!! How will Maths see me now?! "How irresponsible. Not bothering to understand the other party. You'll be left on the shelf for all eternity!" Ohmagadzzz spaz spaz spaz. And cue the dramatic fainting. Harharhar. Feeling a wee bit crazy now. FREE SPIRIT!!

A while back I actually felt a bit sad too. And I can sort of understand how this person felt previously. I was trying to cheer him up from not being able to get the girl he likes. (SHHH NOBODY KNOWS WHO IT IS!!)

Not that Iam liking anybody now. I think. I was referring to the stuff he told me. ANYWAY MOVING ON.

There's school tomorrow. I haven't done my Lit. And there's an MCQ test tomorrow. Wonder if I should night study tomorrow..

My life has definitely been more eventful this year. But I want it to be more exciting. Life changing. And no, Iam not talking about A Levels.

Pouty face. :< Looks like a fishy face though. Oh! And I have this silly red ribbon on my head now. It's so.. eww. That's why this is the first time Iam using it even though I've bought it since Orientation 2011. Okay maybe it's not that bad..

01000111 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01000111 01110010 01100001 01100100 00100000 01001110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100001 00100001 00100001

Unfeeling.

2011-08-29T16:29:00.002+08:00

Listening to Coldplay now. Their songs are great. Makes me feel rather emo in a good way, if that makes sense.

Now, I recently annoyed somebody alot because I wouldn't tell him anything. And since it's gonna be quite alot of explaining to do, I feel the need to just post it here and ask him to read it. Har.

I know Iam just a normal person/girl who doesn't seem to have experienced anything spectacular, I don't find it in myself to trust other people to tell them everything. Remember the love-hate relationships I have with everybody? Yeah. Even though I may not have love-hate relationships with everybody, something's bound to happen to make me feel that way. And back to the reason that I don't tell people everything. People leave. People don't care. People just want to be in the know. People think it's a joke. People just want to see the weak side of you. Well I can't blame them, since it's really human nature. But what makes you think that people will be with you forever? People die everyday and newborns take their places. (Okay... that was a little irrelevant..) Anyway. the thing is people don't really care. That's why there's gossip. They just want to be in the know and spread all those malicious rumors, regardless true or false. It's like when I tell somebody something really serious and important to me, they just take it as a joke, and scoff, and then say some stupid remarks. I don't like that. It just makes me feel worse, even though I don't express it. And then there's the thing about me not being able to maintain my friends.. um. Means I won't go out of my way to talk to someone which results in me having very little friends. People I was very close with in Primary or Secondary school might be strangers to me right now. So wouldn't it be awkward if they knew some special thing about me? It's really difficult to talk to people. It's superficial. Most of the time you just want to look for something to talk about to fill up the silence. I say it's useless.

Unless Iam convinced that people can be permanent, I cannot be glass.

Contemplate.

2011-08-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I even marvel how I can do other things except study. And I've been thinking. How others disliked you. How others find you weird. How others didn't really accept you.

How others weren't part of your inside world.

And then I wonder. Why I had ignored all those misgivings of others and still communicated with you. I didn't care what others thought. And I wonder why I did that.

You weren't perfect. And you annoy me sometimes. And you are ambiguous. And I can't seem to really understand you. I don't always do. But what kept me orbiting around you? Was I desperate?

I guessed not. But it was kind of something special, a secret. A mystery. A... weird kind of aura.

There were signs that said it was impossible! We had clashing traits, ideas, characteristics. I loved freedom, and you were the grounded one. Freedom is the word. Freedom is the contributing factor to me being bored easily and then running away.

So I wasn't sure what would happen. And I keep my distance. It had always been the same ending before. And I certainly do not want it to end like all the others did thid time round. I admit that I didn't notice at first though.

But if time permits, I would definitely give more, show you another side, show you the other side that you may probably like even more. I hope. And I wish to know the other inner side of you too. "There's always another side." How many sides? I have lots. I would like to decribe myself as a present with lots of layers of giftwrap. I'd like that. A surprise every layer.

Right. This has been a very confounding post. Kind of written while thinking too much. I always think too much. Is that good or bad? Goodbye.

Forever & Ever.

2011-08-26T22:00:00.002+08:00

Feel so rebellious right now. It has been very long since I painted my nails a very dark colour. And it's midnight blue with a bit of a sparkle. Kewl. Rawr. Too bad I can't play an electric guitar or something. I've always wanted to be a punk/rocker type of girl like Abbey Dawn. (Okay, more famoiusly known as Avril Lavigne)

Interaction. Interaction between people. For social retards like me, it is inevitable to have some awkward silences during conversations. But do we really have to fill up these gaps with spoken words? I'd rather just sit there with the person and not say anything at all but feel at ease with each other, just appreciating simply the presence of that person. It's like an even higher level of communication. If we were really close, I could just stay with the person without saying anything and I may feel contented. That's the real power of communication.

Rawk on people.

Red.

2011-08-21T21:04:00.001+08:00

I feel myself faltering. Bad sign. I guess they were correct in saying my sign is the most likely to move on from something easily. Oh nos.

Canon in D sounds like a villanelle. Highly repetitive with only variations of the original tune. Easy to learn. Canon in D. The song that you said made you cry and also made you hate it. Canon in D. The reason you hated it was because of me, even though I don't know how it is related to me. But one of the classicals that I favoured, you shunned. All I can say is that Iam sorry, I'll forever be. But. We were not meant to be.

Little Women.

2011-08-18T22:41:00.001+08:00

Freaking hell. Seriously don't understand why my dad always find fault in me. And this time I really did not do anything to spite him whatsoever. Like wtf?! Do old men have some sort of menopause too?! Seriously annoying in recent times... And I don't even know how to react! If I explain he'll say that Iam arguing and I'd better stop but if I don't say anything he'll say Iam deaf because I seem not to respond to him. What the freak does he want?! Fourteen years have gone by, and he still calls me my bro's name. So I see where this is going. Fine.

Moving on to my inner being (I really don't know what I just typed), I think Iam bipolarish. Iam always acting to the extremes.. For one, Iam either very talkative or I don't talk at all. I like rock music and classical music. Hmm.. maybe not that bipolar. I just feel that my life is boring right now and it's not up to my expectations. That's why I want to play Sims 3. Hahaha! I shall create my alter ego which I have been dying to be like and see what happens if I were to be in that alternative life. :D

One Republic, The Veronicas, Aly & AJ, My Chemical Romance and other bands that I currently can't remember.

2011-08-14T17:39:00.002+08:00

Listening to The Potential Breakup Song by Aly & AJ now. It's one of the songs I won't skip on my mp3/ demoted phone. Hey but isn't it weird? Iam listening to a.. breakup song? When I've never been in a relationship before. Weee-erd!!!

It's Sunday today. I've not done anything since Friday because I can't find that stupid Chem banded lecture notes on the portal and I've done my Bio. Oh shit! I've not done my other bio worksheet.. sigh. Whatever. And I have this bad sorethroat from drinking two cups of free Milo on Friday.

This week has been an odd week, well, this past two weeks. It's like out of the norm. Which I like because my life is utterly boring. I hope the odd weeks keep up and give me something different. Despite having A levels this year, I quite like the year so far. I have neva eva felt special stuff like this! And now the song Iam listening to is quite relevant - The Time by BEP.

"Cuz Iam. Having. A good. Time. With you. Iam telling you."

Spent.

2011-08-05T18:21:00.001+08:00

2nd time night studying this year! Sigh. I feel so lousy at all subjects.. :( How did I even pass last year?! Everything looks so foreign.. :(

Iam kind of aching everywhere. It's like I haven't stretched my limbs for ages! Like I've been in cramped spaces. Yes. MPR5 is crampy despite it's high ceiling. How ironic..

I really really really want to get really good grades! But I don't want to try, and I don't know why.. I really need this...

It's August! Halloween's coming! I kinf of like Halloween because it is the festival of orange. Orange is a bright colour. And it's a change from the normal red..

Think Iam becoming more stupid in Chem. I used to be able to do quite well! :(

Teddy Bear. Straight. Wristy.

Bees.

2011-08-01T22:42:00.002+08:00

Yes. Today the topic is on bees. What happened today? I walked out of the school and see people infront of me screaming and running. and I heard buzzing. The next thing I know, we were surrounded by half dying bees. And then I lost it. Hahaha!! Freaking bees. I know bees are really our friends, but it's their stings that Iam afraid of. And seeing them flying drunkedly was really scary. Yeah, so I kind of screamed my head off while latching on to Andrea's arm. Hehe.

Now I don't know what to think, what to do, what to say for the upcoming A Levels... I really don't want this.. :'(

I really want to get my GP P1 back though...

Iam scared.

All black.

2011-07-27T19:56:00.001+08:00

Is there something wrong it you feel sad for no apparent reason at all? Or is it just because the cause for the sadness is not found yet?

I honestly liked that voice. And the whisper is just so enticing. But I panic everytime and I kind of lose it. I seriously should stop thinking about all these. How many times have I told that to myself already?! And time and time I don't listen. Iam a stupid fool.

I miss the shoulder to shoulder moments. :( I miss.

Unfathomable.

2011-07-25T20:29:00.003+08:00

"After hearing what I have to say, how do you feel right now?"
"Um. Emotionless."

I have been reprimanded by two people for saying this word. I kind of regret saying that too. Omg. Too late now. And I was really emotionless at that point of time. I always feel like that. Most of the time. I think I kind of honed it to almost perfection when I was young, feeling nothing. Because I didn't want anything to hurt me so badly and I didn't want to feel a thing at all. Sigh. Now what's left is awkward me. Awkward awkward. Always not nothing what to do, how to react. but I've kind of softened up. Abit.

You know how I always feel conflicted? That's because I always didn't know how to handle the situation. What is the right choice? I don't know. What do you think went wrong? I don't know. How should you act? I don't know. Well at some point of time I decided I shouldn't go back to what we had. So I ignored, escaped and let go. Then that became one of my values. NEVER REGRET. NEVER TURN BACK. Ah, so now you know why. Yes, it means that once you leave, you'll never see me again. Isn't that painful? Well, everybody has to get hurt now and then. It's like how people have to have very bad days now and then, so as to distinguish between the super good days and therefore feeling happy when they actually encounter good days. I've probably hurt and scared off numerous people because of my icy cold characer.

The thing is, I was never meant to stay on the ground. I really want to flit around... okay let's not talk about that because I've said it before... I don;t really know...I still don't have a real goal in mind. Because Iam always changing my decisions. :( That's bad right?? I wish someone would keep me grounded and prevent me from flying away. Like a kite you know? Flying in the skies but always controlled by the kite-flier.. or whoever he's called. Argh, but that's hard.

Many scenarios played in my mind. I dreamt, I daydreamt, I imagined. All things come to naught.

Colours of the wind.

2011-07-21T23:07:00.002+08:00

Kind-of favourite song of the moment: Love you like a love song by Selena Gomez.

If I were to choose a red colour it would be Maroon.
If I were to choose an orange colour it would be Neon Orange.
If I were to choose a yellow colour it would be A Very Pale Yellow.
If I were to choose a green colour it would be A Bit Darker Than Glow-In-The Dark Green.
If I were to choose a blue coulour it would be probably Navy. But I like all shades of blue.
If I were to choose a purple colour, it would be Royal Purple. But my favourite colour is purple, so I like all shades too.
If I were to choose a pink colour, it would be The Shade Of Pink Of my Sneakers. Haha!! I like most shades of pink too simply because Iam girly. Lol.
If I were to choose a grey colour, it would be either Dark Grey or Light Grey.

This is confusing. Iam confused. I don't know what I should do. or should I just ignore? Sighsigh.
I always feel so conflicted. :(

Denial.

2011-07-16T21:13:00.004+08:00

I realise I have a fetish with backs. Especially bare backs. Ahaha. I don't know, I just like the how backs are smooth, and you can see the shape of the spine, and the shoulder blades... and the contour of the body.. ok Iam now delving in too deep.. Did I mention I like collar bones too?? It's kind of the most prettiest structure of a human body, apart from maybe eyes.

I was really sad and angry yesterday. You know why? Because my pathetic excuse of a brother ate my whole box of chocolate within one month. And the chocolates were a christmas/birthday present from my friend. AND IT WAS MY FAVOURITE TYPE OF CHOCOLATES. That obnoxious little freak actually ate 50+ pieces of chocolate that I had been saving so that I could eat them when I was sad or had a headache. And when I questioned him whether he did it he actually told me to shut up. Uh, excuse me? You ate my chocolates so you were the guilty one and you actually had the cheek to tell me to shut up?! That idiotic asshole!!! And he just left the empty box of chocolates in the fridge!!! And there were so many other boxes of chocolates in the fridge (which I didn't realy like) why did he have to eat mine?!! What the freak?!! I had this urge to take his stupid phone and smash it on the floor and grab his head and bang it against the wall. Or maybe slapping him or kicking him. So freaking self-centered and... urgh just freaking rubbish!!! I HATE HIM!! I HOPE YOU KEEP EATING AND GET FAT AND BE MADE FUN OF FOR THE REST OF YOUR HOPELESS PATHETIC LIFE!

A semi-bright room semi-filled with bubbles.

2011-07-15T17:11:00.001+08:00

Yeah, that describes my room one hour before. I had the feeling to blow bubbles. How fun and whimsical.

Every morning (well, at least three days..) whenever I walk to school and go past the block near the busstop, I'll see this sandy brown cat. It's really pretty. The fur looks very smooth and clean. And everytime I try to meow at it, but then there are always alot of other students around me. :/ The cat really looks kind of.. different. It's not cute looking, instead it looks more... clean-cut? Not fluffy, but it's kind of handsome looking. Not those kind that will make me go "Aww!" but will make me observe what it's going to do. How peculiar..

I like cats' eyes. Maybe it's because my eyes look abit like theirs.. Haha! But honestly, I like their eyes. They seem to look into your inner self when they are really looking at you. I mean those that have slit eyes, because I know some cats have rounder eyes.. haha.. those are funny cats. There's this cat somewhere around my estate and it's easily frightened. Then it will look at you with those really round frightened eyes as though it's scared you'll kick it or something. My mum doesn't like that cat because it sometimes sneak into our house and scare her. Haha! Actually it was just sitting there and doing anything. My mum's easily frightened too..

Enough about cats! Iam gonna go read the second part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.. And sleep.

Cheerio!

The gilded frame is empty.

2011-07-12T22:05:00.001+08:00

Empty empty. Despair brushed off set aside. In contempt flawed without a care suicide with a will empty full hollow disparage vegetative state fucked up disappointed lousy not up to standard underperforming stupid brainless stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot fool LOUSY.

Why don't you just drop out of school already? Don't even need to retain or go somewhere else. Some vagrant life would be rather suitable for you. Because you are damn stupid. Brainless good-for-nothing fool.

Why don't you just die already.

Rumplestiltskin, let me all in.

2011-07-11T21:02:00.001+08:00

Sigh. I don't know where else to get it off my chest, because once again, I couldn't be honest with my parents. I failed my GP and Maths. Again. -.- Maths was really shitty. The three hours got to me and the questions which I had done at the third hour were quite screwed up. I copied the wrong answer, forgot how to use the GC, couldn't remember the formula. This is real bad. And GP, I already knew I had messed it up while doing the paper. I can always know from the way I do the paper. It's either I can make it, or I don't. Now out of all the papers, only Lit and Bio gives me hope. :(

My mum was really nice. I asked her, "What if I have to see the VP again?" And after she jokingly told me to bring my dad the next time.I see the VP.. She said, "Why don't you have confidence in yourself? This time didn't score well enough still have end of year what.." Wah :') seriously. My mum always believed in me.. because I still remember when she told me had put all her dreams on me because she wasn't smart enough to finish education.. Well there's the part where there's the stress, and there's the part of my mum's belief. It's like she always knows I could have done so much better. And she's not like my dad who cares about a passing or failing grade. Once I fail it's like he's disowning me or something. But my mum was always confident that I will be able to do it in the end.. but she's like so quiet about my studies and doesn't really enquire much so I don't really know whether she's judging me or not.. but I would want to thinko that she has faith in me...

Well.. I still feel abit depressed. :( But I've got no one I want to talk about it...

I definitely need somewhere cooler.

2011-07-09T17:14:00.003+08:00

So I just bathed in the coldest water possible in my house, using strawberry body foam, stuck a stick in my hair and Iam currently hiding in my air conditioned study room blogging while printing my tutorial. Ah, life is good. For now. Well, I know switching on the air-con is not good for the environment.. but.. it's really one time only because I don't really switch it on during the day. And I smell verily nice now. Mmm.. :)

Iam really clumsy. :( Because I hurt my foot and my 'vampire bite' on my knee again. Wts. I swear I was just walking when my dad's bike hit me. My house is alive. o.o

Next time, I want to live in a little house with only two rooms. Um. I don't really know what counts as a room, but I would want a house with a kitchen with a service balcony, a bedroom and a study room. Then my kitchen has to be larger than average because my dining table would be put there. And I want a kitchen island there too. And an oven. So I can bake my cupcakes. And my kitchen would be decorated in a country style theme. And my service balcony.. well I need a washing machine.. Hehe. It'll be more for a utility purpose, like to store stuff like my house now. My fridge's in the service balcony by the way.
Then for my bedroom, I want it to be painted deep purple with wine red on one side. Then maybe I can either paste nice stuff there or hang up nice looking lights. And then my bedroom will only have my bed and my closet.. along with other stuff, like all those decorational items. And it'll be nice smelling! Like whenever I pass by The Body Shop.. except not so strong smelling.
My study room would be, of course, for studying. And reading. Maybe I can have ceiling to floor shelves along every wall, and decorate it like a library.. with all the wood panelling and english/ european style furniture.

But I kind of think all these would be quite impossible... :/ Sigh.

My tutorials were long finished printing already.. (Uh. Does this sentence make sense..?)
Bye! :)

Cat got your tongue?

2011-07-06T20:19:00.003+08:00

I find myself getting injured whenever Iam hungry. No, I don't cut myself and inflict harm on myself, unless Iam really really really angry. ( And it doesn't even draw blood.) Yeah, when Iam angry I will storm about when moving then I'll hit against something. Now I have this.. two-holed wound on the side of my knee because I banged against the coffee table. It hurts when it touches water. Shit.

Hehe. Tomorrow's Racial Harmony celebration really screwed us over. No shorts, no slippers, track shoes only. Hahaha!! What the shit. I say screw the "Track shoes only" policy. Iam gonna wear sneakers. They're like track shoes anyway.. Covered and somewhat suitable for running short distances. So Iam good.

Oh goody! Teacher has told us that we don't have to wear track shoes tomorrow. Yay! Free as a fairy! But the school still sucks.

Feel like eating jelly. Oh yes! I have jelly in the fridge!

"If you have a minute why don't we go, somewhere only we know?"

Disarray of colours.

2011-07-05T22:48:00.001+08:00

Blogging lesser nowadays. I don't have anything to write, and I don't think people read it anyway. Well, I mean, I don't have the obligation to post for people to read, so I shall blog for my own leisure.

Out of all types of food, I think I like desserts the most. I've always wanted to go to a dessert buffet, with all the cakes and puffs and fondues.. I want to make cupcakes, muffins, brownies, pies, all the sweet stuff! Kind of drooling just by thinking of them.. Primarily, I have a sweet tooth, but then once I eat too much sweet stuff, I would want to eat warm salty stuff. Like fries and potato chips. Okay. Iam a junk food eater..

And then if asked which kind of food I like, as in.. in terms of food from different countries, I would prefer Japanese food, because I like sushi. I like pasta too though, but I may get tired of pasta sometimes. But Japanese food! o.o There's sushi, teppanyaki, ramen, bento.. The works. Hehe.. Oh, and I love Japanese desserts. It looks so nice! And I love Japanese green tea too! It's nicer and healthier than the sweet green tea we normally drink. I wanna go to Sakura again.. :( Don't think just because I look thin I can't eat okay, I eat alot in buffets, because I can eat small portions of alot of things, but I just can't eat a big portion of a single dish. I'll feel bored.

Enough about my food desires.. Now that exams are over, I can sleep all day again! Whee! Haha! Okay, I do want to go out or something, but I don't know what to do, so I shall just sleep the days away, maybe go downstairs for skating when the weather's nice.. Train for my 2.4km -.- Should go swimming some time too.. Can't handle land sport seriously. All the types of sport I enjoy more are done on/in water : Swimming, dragonboating, theonethat'slikecanoeingbutnotcanoeingbutIforgotthename. I wanna try surfing one day! Should go Wavehouse to learn surfing.. Ooh! And jetskiing for when I get rich if I get rich. Sailing also can luh. Maybe I can learn how to ride a shark hahahaha!

You are a ridicule of yourself. Does that make sense?!

2011-07-03T19:06:00.002+08:00

I don't see why Iam a bad example to my brother. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't gamble. I don't go out everyday. I don't stay out late. I try not to get into trouble at school. I study for exams and try to get an A. I do my homework almost everytime. Iam not a hardcore gamer who spends alot of time on the computer. I don't have a serious attitude problem. I don't and never ever will have friends that are bad for me. SO HOW DOES ONE FREAKING BLAME ME FOR BEING A BAD EXAMPLE TO MY BROTHER?! Everytime my parents say this I would be like "What the eff?! What's it gotta do with me?! Iam not responsible for whatever's happened to him!!"

But, I stayed out for the whole day tomorrow. And I have a pretty good reason for it. I have studied for one whole month.. albeit a little not very diligently. But I can say that I studied for my exams and it was time for me to have fun and have a mini class outing. We went ice skating! It was so cooling and funn.. But the skating rink wasn't very smooth. But it was fun! Whizzing around and around at a speed higher than average is fun. So is falling on the very cold surface. Hmm. Reminds me of the time that we sat on the freezing floor while eating lunch in New York. I would like to go back again! But the entrance fee is rather high... :/ But it was fun! (Um. How many times have I repeated that??)

And then I had dinner with the Whaley Hoot Gang.. Whatever's the name of our gang now.. Haha! Yeah.. a very impromtu dinner.

So is it wrong of me to take some time out to be with my friends instead of being with my family who I see almost everyday?! We even eat dinner together on most nights!

Why do people demand so much, being ridiculous and unreasonable?!

I hate people.

And it all ends here. For now.

2011-07-01T01:35:00.002+08:00

Favourite song of the moment- "Aftermath" by Adam Lambert.
"You get back what you give away, so don't look back on yeaterday."

I keep getting weird rumbly feelings in my stomach these days. And I thought it was hunger.. But it turns out that I was wrong. OMG am I dying?!

Anyway, left with Bio for Mid Years. This time round Iam more confident about Bio than Chem. It has always been Chem.. But somehow my interest for Bio has exceeded that of Chem.. I still like Chem though. Oh and there was a phase where I was 'dating' Lit. hahahaha!! Crazy.

Seems late now. Have to wake up at 10 tomorow, study, eat lunch, go school study, and sit for the paper. Then I can wreak havoc!! Woot woot! Lol. Just kidding... Have to sit down and plan a fun outing most likely happening on Saturday. I will stay out the whole day if I have to. Rawk Awn. This part is where I stick out my tongue and display the rocker sign while trying but failing to say "Rawk Awn!!" in that raspy rocker voice.

Goodbye! For now.

Nothing makes me happy.

2011-06-28T21:07:00.001+08:00

As in the term "nothing" makes me feel good. Like nobody expects me to do anything and I can do whatever I want. But it's really rare..

Iam abit surprised Iam numb this time round. This time...
This time disconnection is easy. I guess I didn't really feel anything in the first place. So I didn't feel the snapback. Is this good?

Anyway, Miss Chua said my essay for poetry was very well done. But then I don't really feel some sort of swelling in my chest that people normally feel when they are overwhelmed with relief and happiness. Well, Iam glad that I did well. After all I really put in alot of effort in the compare and contrast. I superanalysed the poems. But I felt nothing when she said I did well. No pride, no relief, no nothing. Zip, zilch, nada. Whywhywhy?! Holidays have numbed me omg. What if I really become void of feelings one day and become an empty shell? Interesting...

I did okay... for both papers today. At least I think I did. I did study for both papers. By reading notes hahahaha. I didn't do practice questions, maybe that's why I didn't do well enough.

Onward with the notes making!

Facade and a tear.

2011-06-27T12:35:00.001+08:00

I actually feel angry at myself this time round. It is rather rare. How could I have not known how? It was there. But when I wanted to write it out, it wasn't. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Well. I could blame on not enough sleep. Or because I did it last minute. But no, I thought I could have done so much better.

And yet I didn't tell anybody. I think I must be a very big bottle. How else would I have survived till now? I would have exploded already. Blown away. Into nothingness. Unable.to fool people. Locked up in an asylum.

"Who would you want to be in a yearbook?"
"Most likely to do something reckless beyond what others would imagine."
Iam contained.
If I were to really do the stuff I wanted to do, nobody would be able to recognise me and my parents would most likely disown me.

Sleep now.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
There's the silence here's my last chance I stand up with shaky hands all eyes on me.

Picking it all up.

2011-06-22T18:36:00.001+08:00

My left shoulder hurts like a sunburn. Not because I actually tanned it, but because I banged it against a wall yesterday while doing a celebratory dance yesterday. Yeap. I was like too happy while dancing towards my room that I banged into a wall while turning. What a retard.

I think people with freckles are cute. Like Qi YuWu in the police show? He has freckles. And he looks cute. And he looks cuter when he smiles. Okay. Idolising moment over, time.to move on.

I have four more days to revise my Chem. Can't believe I even dare to not read Chem till now. But I think I could pass.. maybe just barely above the passing mark. Because... the teacher said the paper would be hard. And I know which major topic Iam weak at due to my memorising power of a goldfish. Hmm.. actually the fact that goldfishes having a 3 sec memory space is false. Because people have trained goldfishes before and thus goldfishes have to memorise all these tricks proving that they do not have a 3 sec memory.. Sigh. I can't remember stuff well. :(

Oh well. BACK TO STUDYING! :)

From fish to human.

2011-06-20T15:06:00.001+08:00

I remember the first time I saw you, I didn't know who you were. You were just some random person I would just see. But apparently you already know who I was. I was abit taken aback by that fact.

Then something happened. I wonder if it was fate or pre-mediated. We somehow got to meet and know each other.

Even though it's still a little early now, if I could, I promise to write a letter to you.

And if I had a picture of you I would stick it in my diary so I can see your face everyday. Haha!

A letter from me is really rare you know! I think I've only written real letters to about less than 5 people. Because my letters contain my heartfelt words and would be really long.. or maybe long-winded.. haha!

Goodbye!

Clockwork

2011-06-19T19:43:00.001+08:00

"Hello, I love you would you tell me your name?"

Freaking bored now. Gahhhhhh... Of course Iam supposed to be studying.. but Iam really very lazy today.. :( And did I mention I was bored?

I wish some one would call me everyday, just to talk to me for five minutes about anything under the sun. I would be a happier person. Really.

My cousin bought his girlfriend up to my grandma's house. He changed another one again. Hahaha! Hmm.. her voice is really deep like a permanent sore throat. Eh. Shouldn't judge her anyway. I bet he'll change another one soon.

Now what am I to say? Iam really bored. Oh. I thought of an acronym while eating dinner. LOLTMADO - Laugh Out Loud Till My Ass Drop Out. Yes. Iam this bored.

Goodbye.

Listing planning

2011-06-19T00:49:00.002+08:00

Stuff to do after A levels. (Must remind myself, I may forget. Hehe.)
1. Bake cake, cookies, muffins, desserts whatever.
2. Learn dancing
3. Fly more kites.
4. Spend one whole day in Botanic Gardens away from technology
5. Earn money.
6. Maybe pick up violin again.
7. Get a boyfriend. Hahaha! Kidding.
7. Go Orchard Road to people watch.
8. Volunteer at SPCA.
9. Go swimming. Like frequently.
10. Go ESCAPE thene park. Never been there before. Yes. Iam a noob.
11. Stuff myself with food at Sakae or Sakura.
12. Buy Sims 3 and play everyday.

I'll add in more stuff in the future I think..
Bye!

Coincidence.

2011-06-16T22:18:00.001+08:00

How coincidental. My dad told me to go die. Again. I would have committed suicide if I weren't so afraid of killing myself. And that attempt may fail too.

All in all, Iam a loser, crap, rubbish, good-for-nothing, degenerate. I should never have existed in this world at all.

To try to talk people out of taking their own lives, some would give us the guilt trip of those handicapped people and blah blah blah how they were still living even though they are like that. I don't really buy that though. I think they live because they think there's a meaning in life. Therefore people live because they see a meaning in life. They have dreams and goals to acheive.

But then I don't really have a reason to live. I don't have real dreams, real goals. All the goals I have now are supposedly imposed on me by others. So I don't really know where Iam heading. Iam one of those lost sheep who doesn't really have a direction in life.

She can't find a meaning in life, so she doesn't live. And the only reason she finds in death is that she has yet to experience death and what it holds. If there is no reason to live, there is no reason to die... why not die because we have lived already?

Hahaha. Okay this was a very weird post. I could think of this issue for ages.

Red rubies.

2011-06-16T20:22:00.001+08:00

Sigh everyday I stay at homebI get more and more depressed I feel like dying already. :( What am I to do? I have to get out of this hell hole soon. But since Iam going to the library on Saturday maybe I would cheer up.

Feel abit like crying right now. I don't like my life right now. Just feel like running away. Again. :/ I want to go back to school. Or take the bus to the other side of Singapore. Eeek.

Feel quite small right now. Or just on the brink of disappearing. I've always wish I wasn't human. Being a person is just too hard. You have to work so hard to carve a living for yourself. Once you give up and slack you'll just get kicked out or shunned. Even if you wanted to be different you'll still be somewhat conforming to something. Don't conform, be an outcast. :( This is life. Come to think of that animals too.. like natural selection. Either eat or get eaten. So you'll always have to be fit enough to survive. Why is it so freaking hard to survive?! I think Iam better of dead. And people question the perks of being dead. I don't really think there's any. So if one day I were to be dead, don't mourn for me. Celebrate for me instead. Because I may be finally free to do whatever I want. In a weirdly empty nothingness of death.

Don't think I believe in life anymore. :(

Nocturnal Animal.

2011-06-16T01:34:00.002+08:00

Meepmeep. I cut my fringe before I slept yesterday. By myself. It looks kind of cute.. in a way. But then most people would have a very differing viewpoint. And then I tried to cut the remaining of my hair but then I was afraid that I would create a disaster so I decided to just trim a few ends. Maybe I could be a hairdresser next time! :D I like cutting hair. I think.

Iam tired of staying at home all day. It's like damn boring. :/ Because I have to study. At home. But then I guess I wouldn't mind if I were to study outside. At least I wouldn't get bored of my surroundings. (Yes you would get bored if you've already lived in the very same house for 11 years.) Wish someone would take me out. :'(

Think Iam getting like.. very delusional. Holidays make me numb. My mum even thought I was on drugs or something. Gahh. I hate these type of holidays. Why can't we have exams before holidays?! Then at least I could go and skip around in the park or somethiing everyday. Anything random is acceptable. Iam like bored out of my freaking mind.

HELP ME.

I wanna play a game with you.

2011-06-13T00:46:00.002+08:00

I want to go out with you.
I want to take polaroid photos with you.
I want to watch movies with you.
I want to have picnics with you.
I want to play video games with you.
I want to listen to music with you.
I want to sing with you.
I want to dance crazily with you.
I want to look at the stars with you.
I want to go shopping with you.
I want to watch something live with you.
I want to see the sunset with you.
I want to laugh with you.
I want to exchange gifts with you.
I want to have long meaningful conversation with you.
I want to smile without holding back with you.
I want to have a mock-fight with you.
I want to be happy with you.

Embrace messy hair.

2011-06-11T00:11:00.002+08:00

I have a splitting headache right now. it's just on one side of my head and shifts to the other side from time to time. This is a fucked up headache. Oh. It's a day long headache by the way. Freak. I've tried eating chocolates to make it hurt less though. Doesn't really work. Oh. Actually goes away when I don't move and just sit there and listen to music. But when I stand, all hell breaks lose. :/

I couldn't believe myself yesterday. Or was it the day before. I actually stared at a photo for more than a minute. A smiled to myself. Like a fool. And I studied every detail of that freaking photo and kept on smiling. Damn. Damndamndamndamn. It's not supposed to be like that.

Would it actually be possible for two people to get along if they had vastly different characters? Wouldn't the two of them be just tolerating each other and not really together?
Would it destroy the two of them?
Wouldn't it be better if they weren't friends in the first place?
What if the two people continued being together but one day suddenly found it too hard to get along?
Won't it be even more heart breaking?
That's not good.
Then does that mean I have to leave?
Then I don't think I may be able to bear it.
Oh well. I've been there before. Then I shall just wallow in misery for two months or so.. And forget.
Harhar. Iam a loser.

Le Musicale.

2011-06-09T18:40:00.003+08:00

You Are Sweet Because You're Fun

You see things how they are, and luckily, things are pretty great. You are an optimistic realist.

You are honest, even if it costs you a friend. You want to live an authentic life.

You are a good humored and straightforward person. You can laugh at any situation, and you love to laugh at yourself.

You're very blunt and honest, even if it means risking someone's feelings. You prefer to be straight with people.

The Sugar Rush Test

Was playing around with the violin just now. I suck at it now. Pfft. Seriously. I was like seriously out of tune luh. I blame it on my long fingernails. Hahaha!! At least I still know how to tune that instrument... uh. But was kinda afraid the strings would snap. Scary you know. And the strings are abit yellowish already. :( Maybe I can go change it after A Levels. If I have the money. Oh.

I've always like to go to big places. Yes, like I've said before. I shall add on. Because I just have so much to say and people may get annoyed if I tell them all about these. Ramble ramble ramble ugh I get it. SO! Yes. I like to go to large warehouses and large supermarkets with maybe not too much people. Because all these places are large. And they have really alot of stuff I can just see. I don't even mind those warehouses which sell those stuff for DIY.. like just random pieces of wood and all those. Nope. Don't mind at all. I like aisles and aisles of high shelves which I can just browse. Really. IKEA Tampines( did I even spell that correctly?!) is a good place. And so is Spotlight. If only they had lesser people.. Oh and the Giant at Sunshine Place is pretty good during weekdays too.. yeah, the one that I went and emo-ed there myself.

A cathedral is quite okay too. I guess. Because if the artwork on they ceilings and walls. And empty movie theatres! Or any theatre. Brings me back to that auntie yesterday who found us in the movie theatre after the movie was long finished and the person was cleaning up the place. She was like "How y'all come in??" I was like, isn't it obvious?! "We watched the previous movie." AND SHE SAID "Huh?" THRICE AND I HAD TO REPEAT THRICE AND SHE STILL DIDN'T GET IT. I kinda rolled my eyes at her then ignored her after the fourth huh and walked out. Lol. A little bitchy I know. Heehee. Only XX had the patience to explain to the person three more times. I seriously don't know why she couldn't understand. I mean I said it out loud and clear and I wasn't the only one who had to explain three times so it wasn't really me right?!

Anyway the empty theatre was a mess, with popcorn all on the floor and empty drinks in the cupholders. How can people eat popcorn like that?! Were the eating popcorn on the floor or something?! Howwww??!! Either that or the people were trying to shove popcorn in their mouths and missed completely. Seriously can't believe it. There were realy PILES of popcorn on the floor, not a few. Iam now at a loss for words. And I shall go now.

Bye.

Sweet Madonna

2011-06-08T23:33:00.008+08:00

Today's a good day. A good busride in a good rainy night after a good walk at Lot 1 after a good movie. And that was after I had dome good revision. And before that I had a good sleep.

And when I cam home I found out something good happened which made me feel good all around! It's a really nice day today.

And while on the bus I though of some poem.. Which was a little weird because the poem was about negating the Roses are red Violets are blue poem. So yeah.

Spectacular! I finished my polaroid films.

~She's got you high by Mumm-Ra is damn nice!! Go listen to it everybody! It's an order!! >:( >:)

P.S: Omg luckily I can read html scripts. Teehee! Can add pictures to the side of my blog now. :D

P.S.S.: Me want a hamster. Hamsters are soo cute. I like to touch their leeetle noses if they don't try to bite me. Wheeeeeee. Hamsters. Furballs.

P.S.S.S: "I've thought of you in a black v-neck shirt+ black jeans and I've thought of you in a crisp white button-down shirt and I think the night has gotten to my head. And then I thought if I didn't say those words it wouldn't be the same now."

I want to see a man burning up in flames.

2011-06-06T10:18:00.005+08:00

1st:
I want to know why a dumpling can't be cooperative enough to not stick on the leaves it's been wrapped in and just detach itself and plop itself on my plate! >:(

2nd:
I want to go back to NewYork. :(

3rd:
I was laying in my bed and thinking about why Math is so hard. And I started wondering how Maths came about. Then I realised all these mathematical formulas came out of thin air or rather, nowhere. I mean, it's not scientifically proven that the Pyththagoras' Therorem is asquare + bsquare = csquare , it's supposedly just some equation to substantiate other equations... right? On the other hand for Science, there are hard evidences plus research to prove that a hypothesis exists. Like elements. BUT! Science also requires equations from Maths. And if Maths was plucked out from thin air, doesn't that make some science theory just as unreal too? Mindblown.

These few days have been rather.. Mundane. My mum called me anti-social. Well, to whom do I have to be social to I might ask?! Sigh. Empty.

Set the heart ablaze.

2011-06-03T21:29:00.001+08:00

Hey hey people. Look what I've got!! Whoo!! Finally got my heart shaped sunglasses. Yay. Now I don't know where to wear it to. Maybe I'll really wear out next time. Haha!! Hair was really messy by the way. :/

Went to watch Jane Eyre at Lido today with SQ and LY. Two hours long. I kinda didn't understand what they were saying because of the old english and a little mumbling. (Hmm. This seems familiar... -.-) But! It was really quite okay. There was still the overuse of fire and darkness. And emptiness and solitude. Same with WSS. But it was some sort of a typical romantic storyline. Guy meets girl. Because of some unforeseen circumstances and misunderstanding, guy and girl splits up. Girl then realise the one that she loves all along is guy. Girl goes back to guy and loves him wholeheartedly despite any disabilities the guy has. And they create a bond between themselves in holy matrimony. (The movie didn't show the last part though.) Yeah. And the best thing was that there was student price! $6.50 for a movie ticket on a Friday. Sweet.

And I was rather proud of myself today. Saw so many stuff with the Union Jack on it and I didn't buy a single thing. It kinda killed me inside but I survived. Sigh.

That is all.

Nothing but words.

2011-06-01T16:44:00.003+08:00

You Are Happy

You can process bad news well. You are well prepared for life's ups and downs.

You're very restless and bored easily. You get antsy easily... you need to wander.

You are both optimistic and philosophical about life. You often need space to think things through.

You are a very warm and welcoming person. You have a kind and compassionate heart.

The Bowl of Cereal Test

You Are Imaginative and Idealistic

You are down to earth and practical. You don't like to waste time or mince words.

You tend to go to your friends for advice and opinions. You value what your friends have to say.

You have a realistic take on life. You see things as they are, and you don't worry about how things should be.

Spending time alone makes you a little nostalgic. You tend to think about the past a lot when you're alone.

The Movie Theater Test